5 Shitty Games Everyone Loves
I know Chris just did this, but I wanted a stab at 1-5 in Advance:
Final Fantasy I
My eyes doth been raped when I looked upon this game. Not only does this game still look like the charcters were draw with MS Paint, but there is no less than 10 minutes of gameplay. I have never played a game that I can sit down on the toilet and be done by the time I get up. Unlike many of the other games, in number one you cannot switch your jobs, so you have to choose very carefully. There are no less than 1000 random battles in the first 20 seconds of the game.. and they are all goblins that look like hunched over retards with butterknives. The final boss in this game takes 5 turns to beat at level 20. He's an overgrown dragon, who of course used to be a man (i mean every boss is never human when you kill him). I give props to the creator for making the shittiest game imaginable.
Final Fantasy II
Aside from every character looking like they were draw with a Adobe Reader, this game brings new meaning to the words constipated gameplay. This game features the only keyword system I have ever seen. If you don't get a specific keyword from a person before you stop talking to them you must do the following. Turn off your system, turn it back on, press a on new game and get your ass back to where you were. No other Final Fantasy game had this feature because of its sheer annoyance and people cross-eyed from restarting their game too many times. Your allies in this game are an electic group of dumbasses consisting of a sissy girl, a bumbling idiot, a middle eastern spear thrower, a fat man, a butch lesbian pirate, the side switching evil brother and a badass dragoon. This game also introduces one of many of the Cid clones. Cid appears in pretty much every FF game but number one. He's either fat or an awesome knight with a bithcing sword. Most of the time he's fat. I have been told by several people that I am the boss in this game, which is very frightening because now its my destiny to be slaughtered repeatedly by pixels controlled by the Japanese. The first main enemy you will defeat is Curtis and of course there are your peons of bad controlled by the Emperor's evilness... I just had a seizure.
Final Fantasy III
This remake was made for the DS, so I will not complain about graphics. These characters look like they were created by Maddox so you know they look awesome. There are several problems with this game that make me wretch. Every battle should give you 10000 gil, and 10000 experience points or else its going to take forever and a day to level up. Every chest in the game should contain Phoenix Downs, because god forbid you could by them at the item shop. There are only two healing fountains in the game and there is always some stupid catch that your airship has either it gets destroyed, only can land in water then oh shit! cannonball to the hull!, fastest airship only can land underwater where it becomes slow as fuck, but the last has an inn, item weapon shield and magic shop, a fat chocobo and a moogle on board so whats the downside. Its as large as my ego and as slow as a turtle. So far each boss has had no where near 30000 hit points which make for seriously easy battles and I know about hard ones. I've had games that I quit playing because of the difficulty. Have you ever brought yourself to say "fuck this!" and throw down a controller never to pick it up again? Me too.
Final Fantasy IV
Here's a twist, not only does this game feature cut-scenes that could be described only as insanely long and boring. Blah blah blah, I'm a Dark Knight! HOLY SHIT! I'm being betrayed. Well I guess the only thing to do is go on a pointless journey with a bunch of weirdos to defeat the easiest boss in the world, Golbez. I swear behind every boss in these games is some 10 year old escaped mental patient. Like the first and second game this features the stationary job system. Your main character switches from sweet ass Dark Knight to sissy pants Paladin in the first hour of the game. Like FF2 this game features a bunch of retarded characters who die, come back, die again, appear as ghosts and just won't stop bugging you for the entire fucking game. Theres your main character who turns good, a little girl with the power to summon drooling monsters that do dick for damage, Kain the dragoon who betrays you and rejoins your party to do what again? betray you and I am very sure he betrays you a third and final time before you stomp ass on him... anywho, there is Palom and Porom the retarded magic twins who look like they would be begging to stop and pee at a rest stop throughout the game, Rosa the white magic chick who cannot avoid being captured no more than four times in the game because after the first two or three you think she'd wise up. Women. Cid the fat man returns as a hammer wielding geriatric who calls you a whipersnapper and waves his cane at you. Tellah, who is another geriatric and a asshole tonic straight up, joins you. Oh oh I cannot forget the most worthless character ever. The Bard, Edward. I swear I have never ever wanted to kill a video game character this much. Instead of fighting with his allies, after being hit once he retreats off screen pretty much not to return. His attack power and defence make me vomit and his lines are "boo hoo, i lost my sweetheart cause i'm too much of a ponse to fight. boo hoo". There is also Edge the ninja who joneses over the summoner even though them doing it would definatly be stautory rape x3. Hes 26.. shes 7. Then there is Yang Won Li Ching Chau Chang Chong Chan. I'm not joking that is his last name and I am not a racist, I just didn't like this character very much. This guy eats rocks and beats Michael Jackson with his hands behind his back. Finally I saved the least for last. FuSoYa... his mother was dyslexic so his name is spelt with three capitals. The boss in this game is the Space Pope. No questions asked. I need a drink.
Final Fantasy V
This game makes me wonder why it looks exactly like the last one. Not only are the villains very similar they choose the most blatently loserish name for the main enemy. ExDeath... whoa thats creative. Problem is this guy wasn't death before... whatever the hell he is now. Anywho this game contains several references to sex and I wish I was joking. This game has the hardest boss ever, Omega followed immediately by the second hardest boss ever Shinryu. They have combined health of several million at least and can kill your party by breathing. The final boss ExDeath and NeoExdeath make easy work of your party if you're anywhere below level 70. What could be worse than a hard boss? Nobody dies!! Shit!
Disclaimer: I love each and every game that I just listen just like Bono does. These games have filled the past two years with expert strategy and I never thought I could like the FF series. These games fucking rocked!
Final Fantasy I
My eyes doth been raped when I looked upon this game. Not only does this game still look like the charcters were draw with MS Paint, but there is no less than 10 minutes of gameplay. I have never played a game that I can sit down on the toilet and be done by the time I get up. Unlike many of the other games, in number one you cannot switch your jobs, so you have to choose very carefully. There are no less than 1000 random battles in the first 20 seconds of the game.. and they are all goblins that look like hunched over retards with butterknives. The final boss in this game takes 5 turns to beat at level 20. He's an overgrown dragon, who of course used to be a man (i mean every boss is never human when you kill him). I give props to the creator for making the shittiest game imaginable.
Final Fantasy II
Aside from every character looking like they were draw with a Adobe Reader, this game brings new meaning to the words constipated gameplay. This game features the only keyword system I have ever seen. If you don't get a specific keyword from a person before you stop talking to them you must do the following. Turn off your system, turn it back on, press a on new game and get your ass back to where you were. No other Final Fantasy game had this feature because of its sheer annoyance and people cross-eyed from restarting their game too many times. Your allies in this game are an electic group of dumbasses consisting of a sissy girl, a bumbling idiot, a middle eastern spear thrower, a fat man, a butch lesbian pirate, the side switching evil brother and a badass dragoon. This game also introduces one of many of the Cid clones. Cid appears in pretty much every FF game but number one. He's either fat or an awesome knight with a bithcing sword. Most of the time he's fat. I have been told by several people that I am the boss in this game, which is very frightening because now its my destiny to be slaughtered repeatedly by pixels controlled by the Japanese. The first main enemy you will defeat is Curtis and of course there are your peons of bad controlled by the Emperor's evilness... I just had a seizure.
Final Fantasy III
This remake was made for the DS, so I will not complain about graphics. These characters look like they were created by Maddox so you know they look awesome. There are several problems with this game that make me wretch. Every battle should give you 10000 gil, and 10000 experience points or else its going to take forever and a day to level up. Every chest in the game should contain Phoenix Downs, because god forbid you could by them at the item shop. There are only two healing fountains in the game and there is always some stupid catch that your airship has either it gets destroyed, only can land in water then oh shit! cannonball to the hull!, fastest airship only can land underwater where it becomes slow as fuck, but the last has an inn, item weapon shield and magic shop, a fat chocobo and a moogle on board so whats the downside. Its as large as my ego and as slow as a turtle. So far each boss has had no where near 30000 hit points which make for seriously easy battles and I know about hard ones. I've had games that I quit playing because of the difficulty. Have you ever brought yourself to say "fuck this!" and throw down a controller never to pick it up again? Me too.
Final Fantasy IV
Here's a twist, not only does this game feature cut-scenes that could be described only as insanely long and boring. Blah blah blah, I'm a Dark Knight! HOLY SHIT! I'm being betrayed. Well I guess the only thing to do is go on a pointless journey with a bunch of weirdos to defeat the easiest boss in the world, Golbez. I swear behind every boss in these games is some 10 year old escaped mental patient. Like the first and second game this features the stationary job system. Your main character switches from sweet ass Dark Knight to sissy pants Paladin in the first hour of the game. Like FF2 this game features a bunch of retarded characters who die, come back, die again, appear as ghosts and just won't stop bugging you for the entire fucking game. Theres your main character who turns good, a little girl with the power to summon drooling monsters that do dick for damage, Kain the dragoon who betrays you and rejoins your party to do what again? betray you and I am very sure he betrays you a third and final time before you stomp ass on him... anywho, there is Palom and Porom the retarded magic twins who look like they would be begging to stop and pee at a rest stop throughout the game, Rosa the white magic chick who cannot avoid being captured no more than four times in the game because after the first two or three you think she'd wise up. Women. Cid the fat man returns as a hammer wielding geriatric who calls you a whipersnapper and waves his cane at you. Tellah, who is another geriatric and a asshole tonic straight up, joins you. Oh oh I cannot forget the most worthless character ever. The Bard, Edward. I swear I have never ever wanted to kill a video game character this much. Instead of fighting with his allies, after being hit once he retreats off screen pretty much not to return. His attack power and defence make me vomit and his lines are "boo hoo, i lost my sweetheart cause i'm too much of a ponse to fight. boo hoo". There is also Edge the ninja who joneses over the summoner even though them doing it would definatly be stautory rape x3. Hes 26.. shes 7. Then there is Yang Won Li Ching Chau Chang Chong Chan. I'm not joking that is his last name and I am not a racist, I just didn't like this character very much. This guy eats rocks and beats Michael Jackson with his hands behind his back. Finally I saved the least for last. FuSoYa... his mother was dyslexic so his name is spelt with three capitals. The boss in this game is the Space Pope. No questions asked. I need a drink.
Final Fantasy V
This game makes me wonder why it looks exactly like the last one. Not only are the villains very similar they choose the most blatently loserish name for the main enemy. ExDeath... whoa thats creative. Problem is this guy wasn't death before... whatever the hell he is now. Anywho this game contains several references to sex and I wish I was joking. This game has the hardest boss ever, Omega followed immediately by the second hardest boss ever Shinryu. They have combined health of several million at least and can kill your party by breathing. The final boss ExDeath and NeoExdeath make easy work of your party if you're anywhere below level 70. What could be worse than a hard boss? Nobody dies!! Shit!
Disclaimer: I love each and every game that I just listen just like Bono does. These games have filled the past two years with expert strategy and I never thought I could like the FF series. These games fucking rocked!
posted by Lee "Emperor Wayne" Johnston at 5:47 AM
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